New Job and goodbye to BN :(

My wonderful MIL just talked to me about my blog and I realized I left everyone hanging with this horrible day and didn't put a band-aid on it! How mean of me!

So a few weeks after the wonderful Thursday were I turned into a raving lunatic, I found a job! I'm going to go back a little and tell you guys about what happened the last few weeks. I had two interviews, one for VitalSmarts (the company that wrote Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrentation, and the Influencer), and the other was for CR Foundation. Both went really well and I was really hoping I would get the job at VitalSmarts, but it didn't pan out. But I had a second interview with the CR Foundation after the first and it went really well. The company felt really good and I enjoyed going in and talking with the head managers. The position was for a Business Assistant where I do whatever anyone else doesn't have time to do.

My first day at my job was really great. I didn't realize the scope of the company until my manager gave me a tour. The company is really quiet large! It was crazy! They have scientists and researchers and dentists, and dental assistants and a whole upper management team. It's wonderful! I am going to learn so much about dentistry. I'M PSYCHED!

It's a great job. I get two weeks vacation and benifits that start after three months. That means Weston and I are going to be able to go to California for Christmas...an entire week! We are both very excited. We haven't been able to go to California for Christmas in years. It was on of the bigger reasons why I needed to leave BN. They weren't going to be able to guarantee Christmas. The other week for vacation is the week of the 4th of July. Pretty much awesome! It's beyond awesome. It's...B-Awesome!!!

But I will say, my last day at BN was very sad. Well, I guess it wasn't techniqually my last day. I'm still on call for Thursday, so we'll see. But It was probably my last day with Tracy, the GM. It was very difficult for me to leave her. She has been one of the best, most caring, most sweet person to work for. She hugged me and didn't let me go for a few minutes. She said "THank you so much for being so wonderful and working so hard and doing everything we needed." She just hugged me, her body began to shake a little, like she was about to cry. I pulled away, and she looked so upset. She said the door was always open and whenever I would like to, I could come back.

Then the other girls, Kristin, Brittney, Quincey, Courtney, Ashley, Tiffinie, everyone there hugged me and made me feel so loved. I have never worked somewhere where I have made so many friends. This has been just an amazing job and I hope that someday I will be able to go back.

So that's the last few weeks in my life.

Temple

So this past week has been really hard for me. On thursday I basically lost it. I spent most of the morning applying for positions on every website I could think of. Craigslist, Monster, LDS Jobs, Hot Jobs, UVU Jobs etc...and I wasn't have much success. I had one interview set up for an HR Manager position (which didn't pan out) but that was it. So I was feeling really frustrated and slowly I fell into this state where my body was in the room, but my brain was totally somewhere else. It wasn't like I was seeing something that was different then what was in my face, but that I just kept zoning out on whatever was right in front of me.

Weston got home and he pulled me into him and held me for a while. Its so nice to have a husband that understands the wonder of a nice hug. But while he was holding me I kept doing my whole zoning out thing. So he made an executive decision that we were going to go to the temple to sit in the Celestial room. He really had to cox me into my dress and putting together all of my cloths. I would have these random bursts of tears while sitting or combing my hair, it was awful!

We finally made it to the temple and I think I might have said two things to Wes the whole ride there. We get into our respective changing rooms and I change into my temple dress and go outside to wait for Weston. I decide to go ask one of the workers which way to the Celestial room and she says that we can't go up unless we've done some kind of service. So I get all prickly and am ready to start in on her when Weston comes up and he tries to understand/handle the situation. We're told we need to wait so he goes back to the changing room to grab something and I have to wait in the hall for the worker to come back.

I'm barely keeping it all together here. I really am so upset that I keep almost crying, then holding it in, then my chin will shake, then it'll stop, then my eyes will burn and I'll close them. It was like that the whole time I waited for the worker. Weston came back out to me and just then the worker comes back. She says she'll take us up there right now. We follow her up the steps and into the Celestial room where I barely make it through the doors before the sobs descend on me and I can't walk let alone speak.

I haven't cried like that in years! It was body wracking, mind numbing, horrific sobs that the few people in the Celestial room had the privilege to hear. But the only thing I could feel or see was the white of Westons shirt and the black emptiness of the whole in my chest. I was trying to make as little noise as possible, but it was no use. Everyone could hear it and I'm sure the worker felt horrible and I probably made her uncomfortable. Crying always makes people uncomfortable!

After about 20 minutes of crying and then another 20 just sitting and listening to my own heart and soul, I realized that everything was going to be okay, but not on my time, but on the Lords time. I hate it when that is the answer! It's seriously lame! But I was told to have faith, faith that everything would work out and faith that we would make it through and that this was a trial of my faith and I needed to hold to God to get through. It was a lot to work through in only a few minutes, but I managed it and now I'm writing it down for the whole world to read. But I have a feeling not many people read my blog anyway. So I guess it doesn't matter what I write.

It just feels good to be able to write out how I'm feeling and knowing that even if someone doesn't read it, it is still here for me to read.

When you get lifed

My mother has a saying, 'sometimes you just get lifed'. It means that things happen out of the blue and totally screw with your plans. Well, that's happened to me. Weston and I were both planning on going back to school this fall and I was going to do this neat show called SNAP and we were going to move right along. But in the course of one hour, all our little plans disappeared. I found out that I didn't actually get the part that paid in the show and that my financial aid wasn't going to be enough to pay for school and we couldn't take out the money for student loans. That was about a half hour of time.

I can't tell you how devastating it was for me to have a job as a performer and plans to go to school and then have both ripped away from me in a matter of minutes. So Weston and I prayed about it and thought and decided that I needed to quit the show and not go to school and find a full time job to pay for Westons last year of schooling. Because he only has a year left, it will work really well. I'll work and save money and then when he is done, I will go to BYU and finish up my schooling there. I have a 3.5 so I should be able to get in.

But here is the problem, it's been about three weeks now and I still don't have a job and I'm starting to get a little deflated. It's hard to keep a good attitude when every interview I go on doesn't become anything and I don't want to hope that I get a job because when they don't call me, it hurts. Its been the hardest trial of my faith in my life. More so then when I was 17. When I was 17 it didn't matter as much because I was still maturing and growing into the person I am today. Back then I didn't know what I wanted in my life and I needed time to figure out that music really was the way I wanted to go.

Now I have a family to take care of. Rent, insurance, utilities, CC payments etc...that are always there, just over my shoulder reminding me that they aren't going to go away just because we don't have the money to pay for it. One of the cards has a $100 payment and I have no idea how were're going to pay it.

The one thing that keeps running through my head is that God will provide for us...I just wonder if he's going to make us at the end of our rope before we find a latter to take down the rest of the way. A couple in our ward, that is exactly what happened to them. They were at the end of the money and literally had nothing left and then she found a job and so did he. I know the Lord will provide a way for us to continue, but I can't help but as for WHEN?

Crap feeling

I feel like crap. That seems to be a general theme for the past few days. I'll feel great, then I'll feel like crap, like right now. I don't understand whats wrong with my body. So here was todays experience. I was home, totally fine, cleaning and putting things away when I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming fever, chills and sweats. I had that for the rest of the night. But yesterday I had felt fine and the day before that I had felt great, but it was like a sludge hammer and now I can't sleep.

Now the can't sleeping could possibly be because I ate total crap today. Well, I did okay until I started to feel blah. I had two protein shakes and some string cheese. Then when I started to feel sick, I had weston stop and get something from Bajio. Not the most nutritious of meals. Then I was craving ice cream so we went to Macys. But when we got to the deli counter, the girl working was taking a really, really long time. Weston went to get some drugs for my headache (on the other side of the store) and by the time he came back, she still hadn't taken my order. When she finally saw fit to help me, she made me the wrong shake and when I pointed this out, she said there wasn't enough Reese Cups to make a Reese Shake. Well, the whole point of going to Macys was to get a Reese Shake, so I wasn't going to settle for an Oreo Shake. I told her just to take it off my bill, but she said she couldn't because the card had cleared already.

Wonderful!

So the whole point of getting off the couch with a headache, chills, and a fever was for naught. Great.

After reading over that I realize that sounds kind of snarky. I'm not blaming the Maceys girl. It's not her fault... well, it is, but I shouldn't expect really hight quality service from a grocery girl.

Great, that sounded snarky too. I'm just going to move on.

So finals are all done. I got through them alive. YEA! I got an A on my final paper for Critical Theory. It was done on Postcolonialism and Avatar. If you know what that is and have seen the movie, its an amazing study. I got into a big discussion with some of the people from work about it right after I finished the paper last week. It always suprises me when people think certain actors are not very good. Like Sam Worthington and Zoe Saldana. I don't know if it is a world wide phenomenon, but here in Utah, I find that if something is popular, the general populace has to hate it. It's so strange. I call it the Utah Bubble. Everything that is popular outside of UT isn't all that popular inside of Utah. Like the Osmonds. One of the biggest teen pop sensations of their time, but they couldn't perform in Utah because of the prejudice and hatred here for them. Take the Twilight books and movies by Stephenie Meyer. While there is a large group that love them, there is a really large group that not only don't like, but attack anyone who does like them, calling them stupid, ignorant, uneducated etc... It really doesn't make sense to me. Back to Avatar. It make over 700 million dollars in the United States and over a billion in the world, but it has bad acting (says some Utahns). How could a movie make over a billion dollars, but not have good actors? I think sometimes, Utah feels the need to be counter to everything just because 50% of the populace are Mormon and are already counter to a lot of things. Okay, I'm kind of on a rant, but its something that really bothers me.

No more coke before bed!

Okay, seriously, no more coke before bedtime. Now I can't sleep. Great, so now I'm awake (again) blogging. It seems the only time I blog now is when I can't sleep. So I'm watching Hulu and I am so sick and tired of all of the Haiti relief ads. It's not that I don't feel for the Haitians and feel we need to help and get things going. But with how many advertisements there are for help, its driving me crazy! I will give, when I want to give, but not by pictures of little children and fallen houses. I know this may sound kind of harsh, but it feels like it's getting shoved down our throats. Every other ad on Hulu is the salvation army. BLAH!

So finals are done and I feel relieved. I can't believe I've finished my first year back to school! This is so great! It was strange to be in school and now it's strange to be out of school. I keep feeling like I need to be doing something, doing homework, but I don't have any.

So its the start of May so I'm pushing back into my work out regime. I really would like to loose 30 lbs. by August. My high school 5 year reunion. Yippie. I'm not very excited about it, I don't know if I want to see all those people again. I kind of pushed away from them because I didn't have a senior year. I went from junior to freshmen in college.

singing again!!!

So my first recital in five years...it was intense. I don't think I've been that nervous to sing before in my life. I was number 9 so I had to wait. Waiting is the worst part of performing. Then just as I was about to get up to sing, they let another person go first because she needed to go to work. It frickin' sucked! All that adrenalin completely went to waste! It congealed in my stomach and I was ready to throw up!
I finally got up and while it was a little shaky, I thought it went well for my first time singing in public in five years! It was so fantastic, I felt so great. Like for the first time I was in connection with God and really doing what I was born to do. It was different then my love for writing. I just have fun with it, but singing just put me in a new place.

Here is the video. Comment and let me know what you think!

Have to do my homework...ahhh!

I have been totally slacking off. It's been spring break this past week, so I didn't have classes on Thursday. But I've had to deal with my sister, Heather, who was sick with Strep Throat on Monday and Tuesday. Then I had to work on Wednesday and Thursday I just didn't do anything. Friday I got sick and I've been really sick ever since. So I haven't done any of my homework. That is a really bad thing. So, now I am off to doing my homework. Bully for me!

I can't sleep!

I can't sleep. I've been sick and now I can't sleep. I took three melatonan and feel asleep very quickly, but I woke up around 3:30am and am still awake. I've been surfing the web, looking at different videos. I found an episode of Tyra about vampires. It's weird because there are these people that believe they are vampires. But all they are really doing is energy manipulation. The a women is talking right now about her ability to manipulate energy and she believes in Karma and whatnot. Some of what she talks about makes sense, but other things she says is just confused and weird. It's sad to see her be so confused about her life.

I am so tired!!!!!! I can't sleep. I'm staring at the clock and willing my eyes to get tired. But they won't!!!!!! Blah!!

Can't sleep...I HATE IT!

So, it's almost one in the morning and I can't sleep. But I am in good company, I'm with Gordon Ramsey! I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares. I'm so in love with that show!!!!! I found it today and I haven't been able to stop watching. I feel like Gordon has a very big heart and don't dodge the truth. He's a little harsh, but he really cares about what happens with these resturants. I love hearing the cooks talk about how Gordon helped the resturant. But it suprises me that the cooks will say the things about him that they say. He's a world class chef and has three amazing resturants all over the world and has been renounded as the best chef in the world. The cooks are mostly jerks and think they know the best, completely ignoring or arguing with Gordon. If I had a chef like the in my kitchen, I would do everything I could to learn from him, especially if I liked cooking. Which I don't...if you didn't know. But normally they come around and love Gordon by the end.

Something that bothered me at first was the amount of cussing. Chef Gordon says the F work and the S word all the time. But I think after watching like 7 episodes, I figured him out. He doesn't cuss when he is angry, he cusses all the time. When he's happy, when he's excited, when he's pissed...all the time. So, know I understand when he is talking when he's angry or when he's happy.

Jay Hopler in my class!!!!!

So I really love my creative writing class. Today Jay Hopler came in and talked with us about writing and creating images. I'm sure you don't know who Jay Hopler is, I definatly didn't. Jay is a poet from SLC and I think DC, but I could be totally wrong. He writes these amazingly images that just grab you and refuse to let go. Below is a poem by him called Gardening. He told us the story behind the poem. He had gone into his family doctor and was told that everything he enjoyed eating he couldn't eat anymore and everything he enjoyed doing he couldn't do anymore. He was really depressed and the following poem came out. (Please note that I do not own this poem or anything associated with it. It is copywrited by Jay Hopler.)

Gardening

1/

What else is one to do — when one has so little and so little to look

Forward to? Today, I staked the tomatoes; tomorrow, it’s going to

rain.

2/

A cool, wet spring and everything rotten —.

3/

Forget about your bones,

This wet gets in the soul,



The spirit, whatever you

Want to call it, that pilot



Light we’re all so proud

Of, and makes you wish



Its sad dim flame would

Just hiss-out — the water-



Logged fronds of the tin

Palms dripping, the gate

Swinging, sodden, on its

Hinge.



4/

The thunder down its heavy leather

Lays and from the ruined garden by the lake a hazy murmuration

lifts into the rain-lit

Air, blurs into the mists that swirl there,

Then settles in thin wing-swept breaths

Back

Into the maidenhair —

5/



I have an idea, let’s all live forever!

6/

If it doesn’t rain tomorrow, maybe I’ll water the tea roses; maybe

I’ll weed something.

As soon as he read this one to us, I fell in love! He had a few others that he read to us and I was enthralled with him and his ability to create images. I want to be like that. I asked him when he knew he wanted to be a poet and not just a writer. His response was a little sad, but very honest. He was in college and set on being the next Steven King. He had always loved the horror genre and had his mind set that he was going to become a fiction/horror writer. There was one problem...he coudln't write fiction. His professor said somthing to that effect, but that he wasn't too bad at poetry, maybe he should try that instead.

I guess we should hunt down that professor and sing his/her praise! Because of that, Jay decided to go to poetry and what a treat! Everyone should go get his poetry and read it! Here is a link to his website. Please go check it out! http://www.jayhopler.com/

Great start this morning!

I got up this morning and went to work out! It felt really good, sweating and moving and pushing myself. It feels really good when I push myself and prove my own strength. Working hard on the tredmill is a great feeling! The funny thing is that it always seems that half of the tredmills don't work right. Either the tv's don't work or the tredmill itself isn't working. So it always takes three or four tries before I can start running. I've been doing intervals and I frickin' love it! Three times this week. But don't anyone get the idea that I like running, I just love pushing myself...but not for three hours. Like in the Ragnar Race.

Then this morning I had three small Kondik pancakes with a 1/2 cup or egg white substitute. It was actally really filling and I really liked it! I've been collecting healthy recipes and putting them in my Recipe Keeper given to me by Momma Bell. It's been fun to read the recipes that are heatlhy because it makes me excited about making them.

Well thats all for now. Loves!

How to handle stress

I'm going to be completely honest. I don't handle stress. This semester is kicking my trash and for some reason, this is making Weston angry with me because he picks up on my stressedness and starts snipping at me. It's really very annoying. I'm stressed already as it is. Does he have to get mad at me? Does that help? Absolutly not! But still, here we are in the living room arguing and not getting anywhere, at which point he walks away.

So here I am sitting on the couch not handling stress well, trying to study for two different tests and he yips at me and walks away. It's very frustrating! So my question is what the crap do I do about this? I've tried a few different things to help relieve stress and none of them really do help. If I try to watch a movie, I think about the homework or studying I should be doing. If I read a book, I can't focus on the words or storyline. All the normal things that you would do to relieve stress don't seem to work for me. So what do I do? I can't just go around being angry with everyone and pissed about the fact that I have to take biology.

On Tuesday I really wanted to quit. I was ready to drop my Biology class and just call it good. But I knew that I would just have to take it again in the next few semesters, so I might as well deal with it and get it over and done with now. But it doesn't change the fact that I can't seem to get the concepts that are being taught. Plus the class is in a hot room in the middle of the afternoon right after lunch. Really? And they expect us to stay awake? So I fall sleep normally every class for just a little while and then I try my hardest to understand what's being said in the class when I just fell asleep for 10 minutes. Also I missed two classes this unit, so that totally puts me behind. Since it's a Tuesday Thursday class, missing two classes is like missing four in a normal week.

I feel better about my health class then I did before, but I am still kind of worried about the test tomorrow morning. I'm going to go workout, then going to take the test, then come home and study for the test in Bio. I'm still kind of angry with Weston, so maybe it's a good thing that I won't see him until I get home from work on Friday at 11:00pm. I'm sure that is a horrible thing to say about your husband, but I'm not to happy with him and I don't like that he gets all angry at me.

Biggest Loser!

I don't normally watch the show Biggest Loser, but I started watching last night and oh my gosh!!!! I am addicted!!!!!!!! I watched all four episodes yesterday and a few from the previous seasons. I can't believe the way they lose so much weight in such a quick amount of time. But I have to say, for anyone that is watching the Biggest Loser, I had decided which groups I really hate.

THE RED GROUP!

That couple is so amazingly b*tchie! The woman is so horrible. I mean, there is competitive, but then there is just vindictive and viscious! In this last week, the red team won the challange and so they were given three disadvantages to give to other teams. Now that is a hard choice to make because it's hard to give people a disadvantage, but the woman...she was horrible.

The three disadvantages;
No access to the gym
No elimination vote
2 lb disadvantage

They gave the no access to the gym to John, the guy that had the bad knee. That makes sense. The no elimination vote was given to Mike because there were a few people that had said some not so nice things about him the last week and they didn't want him to get back at them by eliminating them. That also makes sense. But then they gave the 2 lbs disadvantage to the green team and those two women are insane!

But the part that I really didn't like was when they got into a huge fight about it in the gym when the whole group met with Jillian and Bob. Both Jillian and Bob had this like shocked look on their faces. But it was the green team has this horrible habit of becoming defensive and very agressive. They both don't every show their emotions and they feel like showing the emotion of sadness or pain is weakness. But when they are pissed about something, they diffinatly show it!

So when it came down to the weight in, the green team went last. The red team had been immune because they had won the challenge. So when the green team got onto the scale and they had only lost 7 lbs, the women from the red team was literally Gloating! She is a total b*tch!

But I am still very addicted to the show and I love watching the amazing leaps and bounds that they make.

Another Saturday

So my goals are going well, well...maybe not amazing, but well. I haven't read much in my scriptures. But I did go workout three times this week. I made dinner once this week and I thought about my novel, I didn't really work on it, but hey its all the same. But I feel like I started this year out well. So go team me!

A whole new year, A whole new...me?

The beginnings of things are always amazing. There is the feeling of possibility, endless possibility. Anything can happen. I could actually learn to cook. I could finish my book and find an Agent. I could loose weight. Anything. So my goals for this new year are going to be as follows:

Loose 30. lbs by August
Finish my novel
Learn to cook
Read my scriptures everyday

I went to work out this morning and I've started a counter for my weight loss. I'm going to track my weight loss everyday on the counter. Also my five year reunion is coming up, in August, and I really want to look my best. Hopefully I can loose the 30 lbs a lot sooner then August. Then I can keep loosing!

I have started working on my novel again. I wrote half a scene a few days ago and I'm getting all reared up and ready to go again. But of course that has to happen right when school starts again. But I am taking one creative writing class, so I'm going to be using my creative juices every day. But I have made a promise to myself that I will have it at least 3/4 of the way finished by the summer.

I just finished watching Julie and Julia and I feel like I really need to start cooking. Even though I'm not up to the Julia Child level, I want to start cooking. Plus I feel like I need to start acting more like a wife. I never cook or clean and I need to start learning how. A really long talk with Mom made me really understand that my responsabilities in the home are very important and that they will only get harder when we have children.

Every year my family gives Jesus a gift for christmas and every year I forget what my gift was. So this year it is to read my scriptures every. It's always really hard for me to read everyday. I don't know why because I love my God and my Christ, I should be able to do that one thing. I am not going to slack this time.

Go this coming year!

The Day of the Great Flood

When you wake up the day after Christmas, you expect your day to go as follows.

Lay in bed for a while
Eat breakfast
Play with presents
Watch movie
Eat lunch/dinner
Read a book
Go to sleep

What you don't expect is to hear your husband at 9:00am saying;

"Oh crap! Um babe...the downstairs is flooded."

Unless you've been in this situation, there really aren't any words to discribe the feeling you have when you hear those words. I came tearing down the stairs and sure enough, there was an inch and a half of water in the whole downstairs. Everything was completely soaked! I stared at the floor in shock. I really couldn't say anything. Finally when I came back to myself, I called our landlord. She promised to come over a soon as she could, but seeing as she lives in Lehi, UT, I didn't expect her for a while.

So Weston and I got started on moving everything we could out of the downstairs up into my office. At first we were just doing an assembly line like thing where he would hand me things and I would take them up to the office. But he was taking so long with some things that I finally got my feet wet, literally. We could only really move the blue armchair, the dinning table, and the cherry wood coffee table. Everything else had to stay because it was to heavy or to awkward to move.

Then to make the day even better, I got a call at 10:17am from work calling me in because it was really busy. I throw my phone down and kind of stand in the middle of my torn apart bedroom and have a momentary meltdown. Great, just great. Finally, I pull it together and I change and leave for work. It was amazing, because when I got there, only half of the parking lot was full. I could feel the angry trying to rear it's ugly black head up into my face. With the courage of a knight of old, I forced it down and went to work.

Now the carpet is all gone and there is an island of furniture in the center of the large room that we have to walk around all the time. We've pretty much been living at mom and dad's house for the last few days, which I'm am so sure mom loves. But Weston has been pretty happy because he gets to play on my fathers account for World of War Craft. Needless to say, I've been ignored since we woke up on this first day of January.

We do get new carpet tomorrow which I am crazy excited for! This place has needed new carpet for close to 20 years. No joke. It's greasy and matted down to itself, old and it doesn't clean well. Out of that though, I think it's the fact that there are like 3 different types of carpet in the apartment. One for the downstairs, one on the stairs and the hall and another for the bedrooms. It's a total mess. It has and does drive me crazy. We thought that maybe, just maybe, they would decide now was a good time to replace all the carpet in the apartment, but alas no. But at least we will have good, new carpet in the downstairs. That's a start.