Temple

So this past week has been really hard for me. On thursday I basically lost it. I spent most of the morning applying for positions on every website I could think of. Craigslist, Monster, LDS Jobs, Hot Jobs, UVU Jobs etc...and I wasn't have much success. I had one interview set up for an HR Manager position (which didn't pan out) but that was it. So I was feeling really frustrated and slowly I fell into this state where my body was in the room, but my brain was totally somewhere else. It wasn't like I was seeing something that was different then what was in my face, but that I just kept zoning out on whatever was right in front of me.

Weston got home and he pulled me into him and held me for a while. Its so nice to have a husband that understands the wonder of a nice hug. But while he was holding me I kept doing my whole zoning out thing. So he made an executive decision that we were going to go to the temple to sit in the Celestial room. He really had to cox me into my dress and putting together all of my cloths. I would have these random bursts of tears while sitting or combing my hair, it was awful!

We finally made it to the temple and I think I might have said two things to Wes the whole ride there. We get into our respective changing rooms and I change into my temple dress and go outside to wait for Weston. I decide to go ask one of the workers which way to the Celestial room and she says that we can't go up unless we've done some kind of service. So I get all prickly and am ready to start in on her when Weston comes up and he tries to understand/handle the situation. We're told we need to wait so he goes back to the changing room to grab something and I have to wait in the hall for the worker to come back.

I'm barely keeping it all together here. I really am so upset that I keep almost crying, then holding it in, then my chin will shake, then it'll stop, then my eyes will burn and I'll close them. It was like that the whole time I waited for the worker. Weston came back out to me and just then the worker comes back. She says she'll take us up there right now. We follow her up the steps and into the Celestial room where I barely make it through the doors before the sobs descend on me and I can't walk let alone speak.

I haven't cried like that in years! It was body wracking, mind numbing, horrific sobs that the few people in the Celestial room had the privilege to hear. But the only thing I could feel or see was the white of Westons shirt and the black emptiness of the whole in my chest. I was trying to make as little noise as possible, but it was no use. Everyone could hear it and I'm sure the worker felt horrible and I probably made her uncomfortable. Crying always makes people uncomfortable!

After about 20 minutes of crying and then another 20 just sitting and listening to my own heart and soul, I realized that everything was going to be okay, but not on my time, but on the Lords time. I hate it when that is the answer! It's seriously lame! But I was told to have faith, faith that everything would work out and faith that we would make it through and that this was a trial of my faith and I needed to hold to God to get through. It was a lot to work through in only a few minutes, but I managed it and now I'm writing it down for the whole world to read. But I have a feeling not many people read my blog anyway. So I guess it doesn't matter what I write.

It just feels good to be able to write out how I'm feeling and knowing that even if someone doesn't read it, it is still here for me to read.