Temple

So this past week has been really hard for me. On thursday I basically lost it. I spent most of the morning applying for positions on every website I could think of. Craigslist, Monster, LDS Jobs, Hot Jobs, UVU Jobs etc...and I wasn't have much success. I had one interview set up for an HR Manager position (which didn't pan out) but that was it. So I was feeling really frustrated and slowly I fell into this state where my body was in the room, but my brain was totally somewhere else. It wasn't like I was seeing something that was different then what was in my face, but that I just kept zoning out on whatever was right in front of me.

Weston got home and he pulled me into him and held me for a while. Its so nice to have a husband that understands the wonder of a nice hug. But while he was holding me I kept doing my whole zoning out thing. So he made an executive decision that we were going to go to the temple to sit in the Celestial room. He really had to cox me into my dress and putting together all of my cloths. I would have these random bursts of tears while sitting or combing my hair, it was awful!

We finally made it to the temple and I think I might have said two things to Wes the whole ride there. We get into our respective changing rooms and I change into my temple dress and go outside to wait for Weston. I decide to go ask one of the workers which way to the Celestial room and she says that we can't go up unless we've done some kind of service. So I get all prickly and am ready to start in on her when Weston comes up and he tries to understand/handle the situation. We're told we need to wait so he goes back to the changing room to grab something and I have to wait in the hall for the worker to come back.

I'm barely keeping it all together here. I really am so upset that I keep almost crying, then holding it in, then my chin will shake, then it'll stop, then my eyes will burn and I'll close them. It was like that the whole time I waited for the worker. Weston came back out to me and just then the worker comes back. She says she'll take us up there right now. We follow her up the steps and into the Celestial room where I barely make it through the doors before the sobs descend on me and I can't walk let alone speak.

I haven't cried like that in years! It was body wracking, mind numbing, horrific sobs that the few people in the Celestial room had the privilege to hear. But the only thing I could feel or see was the white of Westons shirt and the black emptiness of the whole in my chest. I was trying to make as little noise as possible, but it was no use. Everyone could hear it and I'm sure the worker felt horrible and I probably made her uncomfortable. Crying always makes people uncomfortable!

After about 20 minutes of crying and then another 20 just sitting and listening to my own heart and soul, I realized that everything was going to be okay, but not on my time, but on the Lords time. I hate it when that is the answer! It's seriously lame! But I was told to have faith, faith that everything would work out and faith that we would make it through and that this was a trial of my faith and I needed to hold to God to get through. It was a lot to work through in only a few minutes, but I managed it and now I'm writing it down for the whole world to read. But I have a feeling not many people read my blog anyway. So I guess it doesn't matter what I write.

It just feels good to be able to write out how I'm feeling and knowing that even if someone doesn't read it, it is still here for me to read.

When you get lifed

My mother has a saying, 'sometimes you just get lifed'. It means that things happen out of the blue and totally screw with your plans. Well, that's happened to me. Weston and I were both planning on going back to school this fall and I was going to do this neat show called SNAP and we were going to move right along. But in the course of one hour, all our little plans disappeared. I found out that I didn't actually get the part that paid in the show and that my financial aid wasn't going to be enough to pay for school and we couldn't take out the money for student loans. That was about a half hour of time.

I can't tell you how devastating it was for me to have a job as a performer and plans to go to school and then have both ripped away from me in a matter of minutes. So Weston and I prayed about it and thought and decided that I needed to quit the show and not go to school and find a full time job to pay for Westons last year of schooling. Because he only has a year left, it will work really well. I'll work and save money and then when he is done, I will go to BYU and finish up my schooling there. I have a 3.5 so I should be able to get in.

But here is the problem, it's been about three weeks now and I still don't have a job and I'm starting to get a little deflated. It's hard to keep a good attitude when every interview I go on doesn't become anything and I don't want to hope that I get a job because when they don't call me, it hurts. Its been the hardest trial of my faith in my life. More so then when I was 17. When I was 17 it didn't matter as much because I was still maturing and growing into the person I am today. Back then I didn't know what I wanted in my life and I needed time to figure out that music really was the way I wanted to go.

Now I have a family to take care of. Rent, insurance, utilities, CC payments etc...that are always there, just over my shoulder reminding me that they aren't going to go away just because we don't have the money to pay for it. One of the cards has a $100 payment and I have no idea how were're going to pay it.

The one thing that keeps running through my head is that God will provide for us...I just wonder if he's going to make us at the end of our rope before we find a latter to take down the rest of the way. A couple in our ward, that is exactly what happened to them. They were at the end of the money and literally had nothing left and then she found a job and so did he. I know the Lord will provide a way for us to continue, but I can't help but as for WHEN?