New Job and goodbye to BN :(

My wonderful MIL just talked to me about my blog and I realized I left everyone hanging with this horrible day and didn't put a band-aid on it! How mean of me!

So a few weeks after the wonderful Thursday were I turned into a raving lunatic, I found a job! I'm going to go back a little and tell you guys about what happened the last few weeks. I had two interviews, one for VitalSmarts (the company that wrote Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrentation, and the Influencer), and the other was for CR Foundation. Both went really well and I was really hoping I would get the job at VitalSmarts, but it didn't pan out. But I had a second interview with the CR Foundation after the first and it went really well. The company felt really good and I enjoyed going in and talking with the head managers. The position was for a Business Assistant where I do whatever anyone else doesn't have time to do.

My first day at my job was really great. I didn't realize the scope of the company until my manager gave me a tour. The company is really quiet large! It was crazy! They have scientists and researchers and dentists, and dental assistants and a whole upper management team. It's wonderful! I am going to learn so much about dentistry. I'M PSYCHED!

It's a great job. I get two weeks vacation and benifits that start after three months. That means Weston and I are going to be able to go to California for Christmas...an entire week! We are both very excited. We haven't been able to go to California for Christmas in years. It was on of the bigger reasons why I needed to leave BN. They weren't going to be able to guarantee Christmas. The other week for vacation is the week of the 4th of July. Pretty much awesome! It's beyond awesome. It's...B-Awesome!!!

But I will say, my last day at BN was very sad. Well, I guess it wasn't techniqually my last day. I'm still on call for Thursday, so we'll see. But It was probably my last day with Tracy, the GM. It was very difficult for me to leave her. She has been one of the best, most caring, most sweet person to work for. She hugged me and didn't let me go for a few minutes. She said "THank you so much for being so wonderful and working so hard and doing everything we needed." She just hugged me, her body began to shake a little, like she was about to cry. I pulled away, and she looked so upset. She said the door was always open and whenever I would like to, I could come back.

Then the other girls, Kristin, Brittney, Quincey, Courtney, Ashley, Tiffinie, everyone there hugged me and made me feel so loved. I have never worked somewhere where I have made so many friends. This has been just an amazing job and I hope that someday I will be able to go back.

So that's the last few weeks in my life.

Temple

So this past week has been really hard for me. On thursday I basically lost it. I spent most of the morning applying for positions on every website I could think of. Craigslist, Monster, LDS Jobs, Hot Jobs, UVU Jobs etc...and I wasn't have much success. I had one interview set up for an HR Manager position (which didn't pan out) but that was it. So I was feeling really frustrated and slowly I fell into this state where my body was in the room, but my brain was totally somewhere else. It wasn't like I was seeing something that was different then what was in my face, but that I just kept zoning out on whatever was right in front of me.

Weston got home and he pulled me into him and held me for a while. Its so nice to have a husband that understands the wonder of a nice hug. But while he was holding me I kept doing my whole zoning out thing. So he made an executive decision that we were going to go to the temple to sit in the Celestial room. He really had to cox me into my dress and putting together all of my cloths. I would have these random bursts of tears while sitting or combing my hair, it was awful!

We finally made it to the temple and I think I might have said two things to Wes the whole ride there. We get into our respective changing rooms and I change into my temple dress and go outside to wait for Weston. I decide to go ask one of the workers which way to the Celestial room and she says that we can't go up unless we've done some kind of service. So I get all prickly and am ready to start in on her when Weston comes up and he tries to understand/handle the situation. We're told we need to wait so he goes back to the changing room to grab something and I have to wait in the hall for the worker to come back.

I'm barely keeping it all together here. I really am so upset that I keep almost crying, then holding it in, then my chin will shake, then it'll stop, then my eyes will burn and I'll close them. It was like that the whole time I waited for the worker. Weston came back out to me and just then the worker comes back. She says she'll take us up there right now. We follow her up the steps and into the Celestial room where I barely make it through the doors before the sobs descend on me and I can't walk let alone speak.

I haven't cried like that in years! It was body wracking, mind numbing, horrific sobs that the few people in the Celestial room had the privilege to hear. But the only thing I could feel or see was the white of Westons shirt and the black emptiness of the whole in my chest. I was trying to make as little noise as possible, but it was no use. Everyone could hear it and I'm sure the worker felt horrible and I probably made her uncomfortable. Crying always makes people uncomfortable!

After about 20 minutes of crying and then another 20 just sitting and listening to my own heart and soul, I realized that everything was going to be okay, but not on my time, but on the Lords time. I hate it when that is the answer! It's seriously lame! But I was told to have faith, faith that everything would work out and faith that we would make it through and that this was a trial of my faith and I needed to hold to God to get through. It was a lot to work through in only a few minutes, but I managed it and now I'm writing it down for the whole world to read. But I have a feeling not many people read my blog anyway. So I guess it doesn't matter what I write.

It just feels good to be able to write out how I'm feeling and knowing that even if someone doesn't read it, it is still here for me to read.

When you get lifed

My mother has a saying, 'sometimes you just get lifed'. It means that things happen out of the blue and totally screw with your plans. Well, that's happened to me. Weston and I were both planning on going back to school this fall and I was going to do this neat show called SNAP and we were going to move right along. But in the course of one hour, all our little plans disappeared. I found out that I didn't actually get the part that paid in the show and that my financial aid wasn't going to be enough to pay for school and we couldn't take out the money for student loans. That was about a half hour of time.

I can't tell you how devastating it was for me to have a job as a performer and plans to go to school and then have both ripped away from me in a matter of minutes. So Weston and I prayed about it and thought and decided that I needed to quit the show and not go to school and find a full time job to pay for Westons last year of schooling. Because he only has a year left, it will work really well. I'll work and save money and then when he is done, I will go to BYU and finish up my schooling there. I have a 3.5 so I should be able to get in.

But here is the problem, it's been about three weeks now and I still don't have a job and I'm starting to get a little deflated. It's hard to keep a good attitude when every interview I go on doesn't become anything and I don't want to hope that I get a job because when they don't call me, it hurts. Its been the hardest trial of my faith in my life. More so then when I was 17. When I was 17 it didn't matter as much because I was still maturing and growing into the person I am today. Back then I didn't know what I wanted in my life and I needed time to figure out that music really was the way I wanted to go.

Now I have a family to take care of. Rent, insurance, utilities, CC payments etc...that are always there, just over my shoulder reminding me that they aren't going to go away just because we don't have the money to pay for it. One of the cards has a $100 payment and I have no idea how were're going to pay it.

The one thing that keeps running through my head is that God will provide for us...I just wonder if he's going to make us at the end of our rope before we find a latter to take down the rest of the way. A couple in our ward, that is exactly what happened to them. They were at the end of the money and literally had nothing left and then she found a job and so did he. I know the Lord will provide a way for us to continue, but I can't help but as for WHEN?

Crap feeling

I feel like crap. That seems to be a general theme for the past few days. I'll feel great, then I'll feel like crap, like right now. I don't understand whats wrong with my body. So here was todays experience. I was home, totally fine, cleaning and putting things away when I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming fever, chills and sweats. I had that for the rest of the night. But yesterday I had felt fine and the day before that I had felt great, but it was like a sludge hammer and now I can't sleep.

Now the can't sleeping could possibly be because I ate total crap today. Well, I did okay until I started to feel blah. I had two protein shakes and some string cheese. Then when I started to feel sick, I had weston stop and get something from Bajio. Not the most nutritious of meals. Then I was craving ice cream so we went to Macys. But when we got to the deli counter, the girl working was taking a really, really long time. Weston went to get some drugs for my headache (on the other side of the store) and by the time he came back, she still hadn't taken my order. When she finally saw fit to help me, she made me the wrong shake and when I pointed this out, she said there wasn't enough Reese Cups to make a Reese Shake. Well, the whole point of going to Macys was to get a Reese Shake, so I wasn't going to settle for an Oreo Shake. I told her just to take it off my bill, but she said she couldn't because the card had cleared already.

Wonderful!

So the whole point of getting off the couch with a headache, chills, and a fever was for naught. Great.

After reading over that I realize that sounds kind of snarky. I'm not blaming the Maceys girl. It's not her fault... well, it is, but I shouldn't expect really hight quality service from a grocery girl.

Great, that sounded snarky too. I'm just going to move on.

So finals are all done. I got through them alive. YEA! I got an A on my final paper for Critical Theory. It was done on Postcolonialism and Avatar. If you know what that is and have seen the movie, its an amazing study. I got into a big discussion with some of the people from work about it right after I finished the paper last week. It always suprises me when people think certain actors are not very good. Like Sam Worthington and Zoe Saldana. I don't know if it is a world wide phenomenon, but here in Utah, I find that if something is popular, the general populace has to hate it. It's so strange. I call it the Utah Bubble. Everything that is popular outside of UT isn't all that popular inside of Utah. Like the Osmonds. One of the biggest teen pop sensations of their time, but they couldn't perform in Utah because of the prejudice and hatred here for them. Take the Twilight books and movies by Stephenie Meyer. While there is a large group that love them, there is a really large group that not only don't like, but attack anyone who does like them, calling them stupid, ignorant, uneducated etc... It really doesn't make sense to me. Back to Avatar. It make over 700 million dollars in the United States and over a billion in the world, but it has bad acting (says some Utahns). How could a movie make over a billion dollars, but not have good actors? I think sometimes, Utah feels the need to be counter to everything just because 50% of the populace are Mormon and are already counter to a lot of things. Okay, I'm kind of on a rant, but its something that really bothers me.

No more coke before bed!

Okay, seriously, no more coke before bedtime. Now I can't sleep. Great, so now I'm awake (again) blogging. It seems the only time I blog now is when I can't sleep. So I'm watching Hulu and I am so sick and tired of all of the Haiti relief ads. It's not that I don't feel for the Haitians and feel we need to help and get things going. But with how many advertisements there are for help, its driving me crazy! I will give, when I want to give, but not by pictures of little children and fallen houses. I know this may sound kind of harsh, but it feels like it's getting shoved down our throats. Every other ad on Hulu is the salvation army. BLAH!

So finals are done and I feel relieved. I can't believe I've finished my first year back to school! This is so great! It was strange to be in school and now it's strange to be out of school. I keep feeling like I need to be doing something, doing homework, but I don't have any.

So its the start of May so I'm pushing back into my work out regime. I really would like to loose 30 lbs. by August. My high school 5 year reunion. Yippie. I'm not very excited about it, I don't know if I want to see all those people again. I kind of pushed away from them because I didn't have a senior year. I went from junior to freshmen in college.

singing again!!!

So my first recital in five years...it was intense. I don't think I've been that nervous to sing before in my life. I was number 9 so I had to wait. Waiting is the worst part of performing. Then just as I was about to get up to sing, they let another person go first because she needed to go to work. It frickin' sucked! All that adrenalin completely went to waste! It congealed in my stomach and I was ready to throw up!
I finally got up and while it was a little shaky, I thought it went well for my first time singing in public in five years! It was so fantastic, I felt so great. Like for the first time I was in connection with God and really doing what I was born to do. It was different then my love for writing. I just have fun with it, but singing just put me in a new place.

Here is the video. Comment and let me know what you think!

Have to do my homework...ahhh!

I have been totally slacking off. It's been spring break this past week, so I didn't have classes on Thursday. But I've had to deal with my sister, Heather, who was sick with Strep Throat on Monday and Tuesday. Then I had to work on Wednesday and Thursday I just didn't do anything. Friday I got sick and I've been really sick ever since. So I haven't done any of my homework. That is a really bad thing. So, now I am off to doing my homework. Bully for me!